With Everything Left Over

For this Monday morning, I figured I owe you an update on my planning post. I did some planning. Here’s where I am:

Closet/Fashion: I haven’t magically developed fashion sense. I did clean out my closet. Sadly, my anticipated 15% of usable clothes turned out to be more like 10%. I choose to see that as a challenge, not a setback. My (much more fashionable) sister brought me some magazines so I can pick out styles I like. It’s a start. I bought 4 thrift store items I think I can make work in my wardrobe. I walked out of a Goodwill feeling like a rock star and I’m totally cool with that.

I’m taking a very paint-by-numbers approach to this whole fashion thing. I’m operating under the secure assumption that copying an outfit you see is equivalent to creating that outfit yourself. Denial is a powerful thing.

Kids: We've established a weekly library trip. I’m still in need of one more scheduled outing. It’ll be the playground, but I’ll admit I’m not winning on this one. I’m working a lot right now and playground time is hard to come by.

Work: I planned. I worked. I accomplished. Something great fell in my lap which is largely supplemental but awesome nonetheless. I’m not stressing in this area, other than wishing more hours were in each day.

Decorating: I have to admit complete FAIL here. I haven’t done one single thing in this area. I’m still embracing bare walls. And floors. And windows. I have developed an idea, though, of what I want. So, at the risk of completely nauseating you, I have a plan. ☺

I’ll share something with you that wasn’t in the plan. When things are rough, I tend to squeeze these kids tight and refocus myself. We’ve had a rough time here lately. Mommy is stressed. Kids are being unruly. Things are somewhat uncertain as far as changes in their lives that may not be good and that I may not be able to prevent. I’m trying to have some faith here and I can tell you it’s in short supply.

It turns out I can’t create a perfect life for us and shield us from the world just by planning and cleaning out closets. Who knew? Sometimes no matter how much you organize and plan and how well you succeed, things just don’t fall into the right places. I guess the real test is figuring out what to do with everything left over, once you’ve cleaned out what you can. I’m working on that.

Stand on this Hill

I’ve been put in the position recently of standing. Standing for something I believe in. Standing for how I want to raise my kids. Standing for what I believe is best for them. For those of you who’ve been here, it’s not an easy place to be.

I had a discussion a while back with a very good friend. I was frustrated with where I was and the ongoing battleground that is the situation with my ex-husband. She put it to me very simply: Do you believe this is best for them? My answer was a firm Yes. She then said the following:

When you know you’re making the right decision for your kids, when push comes to shove, you have to stand. You have to stand and be ready to die on that hill. Because there are some things you just can’t compromise on.

Since then, it’s become a solid reminder for me during some tough times. Parents don’t get easy choices for the most part. We get really hard choices. What’s best for the kids is rarely what’s easy for us.

This isn’t to say every parenting choice requires hours of consideration. Some things are pretty simple.

For instance, I don’t let Grant make his own decisions about everything, even though he sometimes argues me to death. He’s 8. He doesn’t know everything yet. He’s a really smart kid but I’ve also seen him lick his own shoe. Enough said.

There are easy choices – don’t let the kids run in traffic, get tattoos, or use my credit cards to shop online.

Then there are harder, sometimes humbling choices. I once took Grant to the doctor because he was laughing in a weird way. Yep. It happened. I also once asked the same pediatrician to examine a strange spot on Julia she subsequently determined to be chocolate. What can I say, she was a really adorably fat toddler with a lot of crevices…I should probably take a moment here to thank all the patient pediatricians of the world.

And then there are the REALLY hard choices. The choices that, while best for the kids, create battlegrounds. The choices for which you have to be willing to endure a variety of judgments, insults and downright ugliness. But those are the times, the most important ones, where you have to stand.

I hope the situation I’m currently experiencing doesn’t last long. I’ll be honest, it’s ugly and it stinks. And knowing I’m making the right decision doesn’t make it any easier. But I’ll stand on this hill. It’s the only place I can be the parent my kids deserve.