Sticky Things...

Again, collecting dust, I know...at this point, I'm beyond apologies. Apparently posts will be random and disjointed, so I can only hope you still enjoy them when they pop up.

This post is simply a collection of quotes that stick with me...unforgettable things people have said, each memorable for its own reason:

"So what now? Champagne? Because I feel like you need Champagne." ~My stepmom, Kyra, in the car after my (first) divorce hearing.

"When I grow up, I want shoes like yours. Because you'll be dead, and you won't need them anymore." ~Julia, two months ago.

"Heaven sounds okay, but I'd rather go to Lego Land...or is that pretend, too?" ~Grant, last year.

"Okay, autocorrect keeps changing 'Wing Man Saturday' to 'Wong Man Saturday' and I'm tired of changing it. Give up. Does this mean we have to start looking for Asian men?" ~Angie, earlier this year.

"How do you feel about pole dancing?" ~Kayla, four weeks ago.

"Well, little lady, you just bring me all o' yo' money, and all o' yo' jewelry, and we'll just skin 'im alive!" ~my Old South Attorney's response (second divorce), upon asking how much it would cost me.

"What can I do? Because I'll do it." ~Meredith, every time I've ever needed her to say it.

"I see the mail truck. Where's the eMail truck?" ~Julia, age 3.

"Ketchup makes me happy. Mustard makes me crazy." ~Grant, age 5.

"I'm really proud of you." ~My Dad, the times I've needed to hear it most.

"They might not like it, but whatever. We feed them. They'll get over it. Giddyup." ~Renee, 4 years ago, on staying out later than we should've.

"You guys are crazy. I so want friends like this when I'm old like you guys." ~Gracie, a few years ago (when old = 30!)

"If you indulge crazy, you will become crazy yourself." ~Meredith, on dealing with ex-husband texts.

So there's that, some amusement for you, these sticky things. I'll try to post a real update soon.

Refuse to Buy Cats

Ah, dating – a topic and activity long-neglected (much like this blog). Since dating is really, really fun and I’m a super-romantic, sweet girl who swoons over hearts and flowers, you can rest assured this will be a sappy post about the wonders of finding that special someone. Disclaimer: Everything after the first sentence so far was a load of crap.

But on to the fun stuff. I’ve recently had a very long stretch of being alone – well, that’s not entirely accurate. As some of you know, when you have kids you’re never alone. Never. Even when you try to trick the kids into letting you escape for five minutes of undisturbed quiet (aka “playing Hide and Seek”), you will likely find one under the bed. Or playing in your makeup, or unrolling the toilet paper for no good reason, etc.

What I should say is that I haven’t dated in a very long time. When you rarely have two spare minutes to rub together, dating doesn’t top the priority list. In fact, for me, it ranks somewhere above a root canal and way below napping.

And then there’s the fundamental problem plaguing every single woman in her thirties or beyond – where the heck do I meet someone?

I work remotely as a contractor from my house. I never see my colleagues in person. Most of my friends are married, so their address books aren’t exactly overflowing with single, eligible bachelor friends.

I’ve ruled out the grocery store. There’s just something about stalking a guy in the produce isle that makes me feel creepy. Also, if you’re in the store, you’re going to look in the basket. And that is always a mistake. I can’t possibly flirt with someone while shushing the inner dialogue a peek in the basket inspires...Gross, is he really going to eat that?...OMG, is that itch cream? Ewww...Hmm, organic tofu, definitely gay …

While it can’t be entirely ruled out, the bar scene also isn’t very promising. In the pro column, we have the alcohol-induced haze of heightened attraction and lowered standards. After enough margaritas, who cares if he’s only 23, a recent college dropout, and living with his parents while trying to make his living as a poet…he’s so cute.

In the con column, we have the alcohol-induced haze of increased ego and lack of filter. This brings its own inner dialogue...Seriously, dude, stop staring at my chest...Did he just admit to stalking his ex-girlfriend?...Seriously, dude, stop staring at her chest...Please don’t ask me to feel your flexed muscles, don’t do it, don’t -- aw, crap...

I’m sure there are great single men out there encountering their own set of problems finding sane, reasonably attractive women. So don’t think this post is wandering into man-hating territory, the lack of decent prospects is an equal-opportunity problem. I’ve been out there; I can tell you that any given visit to the bar scene reveals equal numbers of glassy-eyed, clingy women reeking of Spanx and desperation.

Which brings me to...online dating. (You knew it was coming.) Unfortunately, the “mainstream” nature of online dating we currently enjoy seems to have had little to no effect on the availability of desirable single men. The same depressing prospects are still out there but they now come with an online profile, allowing me to conveniently judge them from the comfort of my couch without the hassle of meeting them in person. But there should be a class for this, or a manual, or something, because 99% of the profiles contain one of the following 5 Things to Avoid in Your Online Dating Profile:

5. Egregious spelling and grammatical errors. I don’t expect everyone to have perfect spelling and grammar, but come on…seriously, who doesn’t have spell-check these days??? And do you really think “I jus wont to find a gal who iz fun to hang wit” is going to attract intelligent, good-looking women?

4. Any mention of long walks on the beach. Please, please Google “cliché” and find out what it means. If there were that many great single guys roaming the beaches women would know about it. We have a nose for these things.

3. Long, rambling paragraphs about how sensitive you are. Your sensitive side is something we want to see when you think to bring soup when we’re sick, or show up when our dog dies. Contrary to popular belief, women don’t actually get excited about a date where the predominant thought is This one’s a crier, better bring some Kleenex. A man’s sensitive side should be like a fire extinguisher – available for emergency use only, then hidden back in the cabinet where you don’t have to look at it everyday.

2. The promise of leaving "little notes" around for us to find for no reason at all. First of all, I’m not sure where the idea that this is something we look for was cultivated...I, for one, have enough crap in my purse already without it being stuffed full of meaningless post-it-note drivel. Second of all, the reality is that we know you’ll leave notes, and they’ll likely say things like...Pick up dry cleaning...Need socks...Out of toilet paper...Blue shirt needs button...

1. Pictures taken with your cell phone in your bathroom mirror. First of all, including evidence of how dirty your bathroom is as part of a first impression is not a good plan. Second, these pictures are almost unfailingly taken with no shirt on, which leads us to believe they’re also the ones you use in your “Casual Encounters” ad on Craig’s List. Third, do you really not have one single friend who can take a decent (clothed) picture of you? Because, if not, that problem should really be addressed before you look for a girlfriend.

So really, it's no wonder I haven't met anyone. Having read their online profiles, the ones who aren't out enjoying "spontaneous travel" (like a reservation is a bad thing?) are spending their weekends indulging in gourmet cooking and Russian literature while curled up on the couch watching The Notebook.

Don’t worry, it’s way too early in the game for me to give up. I’m still going to date. If nothing else, it will certainly be an adventure. I know sweet-but-manly, responsible guys with manners and a good sense of humor do exist somewhere out there (which is why I strongly support continued space exploration). That, and I refuse to buy cats. I’ll keep you posted…

Who You Want To Be

If you listen hard enough, you can hear dust settling on this blog. I haven’t neglected it out of pure neglect. I’ve been unbelievably busy, even for me. But I owe you an update on how things are going and some truisms about where we are now.

This post is brought to you by Clarity, something I’ve only experienced in very small and rare doses over the years. But I’m in that spot now, so I’m gonna share. The point of this post is not an acute one, it’s sort of fluid, so bear with me…

There’s a song I love, I have it on my ipod and listen to it often. It’s a Switchfoot song, “This is Your Life.” The chorus always gets me, it goes something like…

“This is your life, are you who you want to be?”

It’s always brought me visions of my goals, of what I want my life to look like.

And then a funny thing happened the other day. I was in the car with the kids and that song came on the radio. When the chorus came, for the first time since I started listening to it, the answer I had in my head was, Yes, this is exactly who I want to be.

That’s a big deal. My life isn’t perfect. There are lots of issues and factors that haven’t worked themselves out. But I have a clear truth…I’m just exactly who I want to be right now.

There are things I’d love to change…I’d love to be thinner, richer, whatever…but the soul part of me, the heart of who I am, well…it’s just how it should be. I’m happy with who I am. Unbelievable. It seems so simple and yet I wanted to stop the car because it was such a huge realization. I’m totally and completely living comfortably in my own skin. When did that happen?

Lately I feel less overwhelmed and more just blessed. Let me tell you, I have amazing friends and family members. I have more than I deserve in the way of people who care about me. My girlfriends are the most diverse, rich in spirit, crazy crowd of women. I love them. They’re all different and I learn new things from all of them.

My family, my siblings in particular, are awesome. My older sister is one of the most amazing women I know. She has shown up, been there, guided, been the soft place I’ve landed, and in every way been my light in too many dark places. Someday the English language will add words that express the depth of my gratitude to her.

I have an amazing brother who embodies quiet strength and reminds me all the time what it is to have integrity. I have a younger sister I love more than life who reminds me what it is to live, to take chances, to make mistakes, and to remember love conquers all.

My parents, my dad and stepmom, in their infinite patience, have never tired of trying to help me and steer me in the right direction. While I know they can’t fully understand what my life is like, they haven’t stopped trying to. Our relationship deepens with years. I think my stepmom, who probably inherited more than she bargained for with us 20 years ago, is a woman I will still be able to garner wisdom from when I’m 80.

My dad has provided one of the most valuable gifts – a solid model for having a respected career and living a life of meaning and substance.

It's hard not to feel successful and happy when you have the kind of support I do from family and friends. And even though there are still aspects of our lives that are unsure right now, I’m so content with where things are. I have wonderful people in my life. I'm a good person. I’m proud of the parent I am right now. I’m proud of the work I’m doing.

This will be the most successful year in business I’ve ever had by leaps and bounds and I’ve earned it. I have great hopes for where I’m headed professionally.

Spiritually, I’ve gone through some changes. I’ve let go of some things. I’ve stopped pretending and started being honest with myself about where things are. I feel very true and very freed.

I just feel...well, good. I'll never have it all together and that's okay. Because this crazy life with all its ups and downs is just right for me. For every hard thing, I have greatness in abundance.

This has been a little north of “feel-good” as far as blog posts. Feel free to vomit now or brush your teeth for all the sweetness. Most of you know that sugary, my-life-is-so-blessed ramblings are SO not my style. But I had to share this because of the song. Because when This is Your Life, and it’s Who You Want To Be, it’s worth sayin’ so.

The Inconvenient Mouths of Babes…

I’m convinced that the saying “Out of the mouths of babes…” is only truly amusing to childless people. For those of us who have frequently had to shush overly loud descriptions of bodily functions, embarrassing private information, and inquiries as to how the man in front of us in line became SO FAT...well, let’s just say it can be slightly less amusing.

With rare exception (the rare exception being a dinner party with people we don’t know very well), this usually happens in the middle of the supermarket. At about five o’clock. While trying to juggle 50 coupons. I always handle the situation in the same way – I shush the kids quickly, smile at the offended glances we get, and whisper loudly, “Hush now, or I’ll tell your mother you said that!”

I’m pretty sure no one buys it, but you never know. I’m still holding out hope that at least a few people on any given trip to the grocery store or bank will believe my rumpled jogging clothes are a result of actual jogging, so one could argue my efforts at face-saving deceptions are not always grounded in reality.

Last week, we had one of these moments. It didn’t happen at the supermarket, it happened at home. My face didn’t get any less red, though, when Julia complained to me, “Why don’t you take us to really fun places? Daddy always takes us to really fun places!”

I did manage to bite back the initial responses that sprang to my lips surprisingly fast. Those responses included:

• “Daddy can afford to take you fun places because he saves lots of money dodging child support,” and
• “Daddy gets to focus on only doing fun stuff because he doesn’t have to be a real parent.”

I repeat: I did not actually say these things. But you better believe I was thinking them. I did spend some time really considering what she said, though. Here are my conclusions...

First of all, we do go “fun places” on the weekend, but our fun outings are always interspersed with not-at-all-fun-but-necessary activities like laundry and room-cleaning. I realize there seems to be a distinction in her four-year-old mind, because Daddy’s weekends are spent doing only fun things. There are no chores and no household to-do lists to complete. Now, I can resent that a little (and believe me, I do) but it doesn’t change anything.

Second, there’s some truth to the simple fact that we don’t have the same discretionary budget as Daddy does. We have significantly more expenses, and the lion’s share of those expenses is a financial responsibility I carry alone. Is it fair? Nope. But wasting a lot of energy resenting it doesn’t change anything.

Finally, whether or not it’s fair for the kids to perceive things that way, I have to acknowledge the possibility that they occasionally do. We don’t have every-other-weekend visits here; we’re living life everyday, with the schedules and responsibilities that come with it. I wouldn’t, even for a moment, consider trading that to only see the kids for four days out of the month, no matter how many fun things we could do in those four days.

I never want to miss the forest for the trees: I’m trying to give my kids a great childhood – one filled with sweet memories of love, patience, and happiness. I want them to love God and treat others with kindness and respect. I’m trying to teach them responsibility. It’s a far less glamorous job than taking them exciting places but a significantly more important one. My son’s future wife probably won’t care if he’s good at putt-putt, but his ability to find the hamper with his own wet towels could be a marriage-saver someday.

I have so many great childhood memories of my own of simple times we spent as a family – books my parents read to me, playing in my backyard, visiting my cousins, and my mom teaching me how to cook. Those memories are irreplaceable. They don’t involve exciting adventures to theme parks because childhoods aren’t built on that; they’re built on everything that happens in between.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t sometimes indulge in a responsibility-free, super-fun (yet inexpensive) weekend. Will it take some expert juggling and schedule-adjusting? Absolutely. But it’s not impossible. It isn’t the main goal, though. The great myth that all you have to do to raise well-adjusted kids is have lots of fun has long since been debunked by large numbers of spoiled, angry teenagers and Lindsay Lohan.

It’s my privilege to be raising these kids, to be given the opportunity to help shape the character of the people they’ll become. When an uncomfortable truth comes out of the inconvenient mouths of babes, sometimes you have to be willing to confront it with humility and good humor. And in case that doesn’t work, I’ve been known to accept bottles of wine from sympathetic readers. ☺

With Everything Left Over

For this Monday morning, I figured I owe you an update on my planning post. I did some planning. Here’s where I am:

Closet/Fashion: I haven’t magically developed fashion sense. I did clean out my closet. Sadly, my anticipated 15% of usable clothes turned out to be more like 10%. I choose to see that as a challenge, not a setback. My (much more fashionable) sister brought me some magazines so I can pick out styles I like. It’s a start. I bought 4 thrift store items I think I can make work in my wardrobe. I walked out of a Goodwill feeling like a rock star and I’m totally cool with that.

I’m taking a very paint-by-numbers approach to this whole fashion thing. I’m operating under the secure assumption that copying an outfit you see is equivalent to creating that outfit yourself. Denial is a powerful thing.

Kids: We've established a weekly library trip. I’m still in need of one more scheduled outing. It’ll be the playground, but I’ll admit I’m not winning on this one. I’m working a lot right now and playground time is hard to come by.

Work: I planned. I worked. I accomplished. Something great fell in my lap which is largely supplemental but awesome nonetheless. I’m not stressing in this area, other than wishing more hours were in each day.

Decorating: I have to admit complete FAIL here. I haven’t done one single thing in this area. I’m still embracing bare walls. And floors. And windows. I have developed an idea, though, of what I want. So, at the risk of completely nauseating you, I have a plan. ☺

I’ll share something with you that wasn’t in the plan. When things are rough, I tend to squeeze these kids tight and refocus myself. We’ve had a rough time here lately. Mommy is stressed. Kids are being unruly. Things are somewhat uncertain as far as changes in their lives that may not be good and that I may not be able to prevent. I’m trying to have some faith here and I can tell you it’s in short supply.

It turns out I can’t create a perfect life for us and shield us from the world just by planning and cleaning out closets. Who knew? Sometimes no matter how much you organize and plan and how well you succeed, things just don’t fall into the right places. I guess the real test is figuring out what to do with everything left over, once you’ve cleaned out what you can. I’m working on that.

Stand on this Hill

I’ve been put in the position recently of standing. Standing for something I believe in. Standing for how I want to raise my kids. Standing for what I believe is best for them. For those of you who’ve been here, it’s not an easy place to be.

I had a discussion a while back with a very good friend. I was frustrated with where I was and the ongoing battleground that is the situation with my ex-husband. She put it to me very simply: Do you believe this is best for them? My answer was a firm Yes. She then said the following:

When you know you’re making the right decision for your kids, when push comes to shove, you have to stand. You have to stand and be ready to die on that hill. Because there are some things you just can’t compromise on.

Since then, it’s become a solid reminder for me during some tough times. Parents don’t get easy choices for the most part. We get really hard choices. What’s best for the kids is rarely what’s easy for us.

This isn’t to say every parenting choice requires hours of consideration. Some things are pretty simple.

For instance, I don’t let Grant make his own decisions about everything, even though he sometimes argues me to death. He’s 8. He doesn’t know everything yet. He’s a really smart kid but I’ve also seen him lick his own shoe. Enough said.

There are easy choices – don’t let the kids run in traffic, get tattoos, or use my credit cards to shop online.

Then there are harder, sometimes humbling choices. I once took Grant to the doctor because he was laughing in a weird way. Yep. It happened. I also once asked the same pediatrician to examine a strange spot on Julia she subsequently determined to be chocolate. What can I say, she was a really adorably fat toddler with a lot of crevices…I should probably take a moment here to thank all the patient pediatricians of the world.

And then there are the REALLY hard choices. The choices that, while best for the kids, create battlegrounds. The choices for which you have to be willing to endure a variety of judgments, insults and downright ugliness. But those are the times, the most important ones, where you have to stand.

I hope the situation I’m currently experiencing doesn’t last long. I’ll be honest, it’s ugly and it stinks. And knowing I’m making the right decision doesn’t make it any easier. But I’ll stand on this hill. It’s the only place I can be the parent my kids deserve.

Lesson Learned

There’s a lot of soul music playing here this week. I realize that with my last post about organization, this blog is quickly becoming a collection of my completely random and whimsical thoughts. I’m not sure I can stop that, though.

I had an entire week without kids. The kids went to stay with their dad for the break and it was a much-needed chance for me to back up, breathe a little, and think.

I got a lot of work done. And I cleaned the house. I hung out with friends. And I thought. A lot. This week’s thoughts were centered around the one that got away, and love in general.

We all have that one, I think. Maybe it’s more bittersweet for those of us who married someone else and then had that marriage not work out. It begs for looking at the other relationship, the really good one we didn’t pursue. The one we thought we were too good for.

I had that relationship once, with a guy who was truly amazing. And I wasn’t mature enough to see him for who he was. I’m kicking myself on that one.

I wouldn’t and can’t change anything. I have two fabulous kids, products of a marriage with the one I really wish had gotten away. But I wouldn’t really wish that unless there was still some way I could keep the kids. When you have two beautiful children, what right do you have to complain? I don’t.

I held on too long to things I should've let go. I think all my life, I've taken a project I wanted to fix at the expense of a masterpiece I was too busy to look for. I'm choosier now.

I like to indulge in the occasional daydream. This week I found my mind wandering to what it would be like if we met again. Except it wouldn’t be like that. He married someone else. I married someone else. His worked out, mine didn’t. So this week has been a true lesson in grace, because despite what I now wish would've happened for us, I can’t be anything but happy for him.

There’s a lot to lose in life and love. I hope if you’re reading this and you have someone really important to hold on to, that you grab them and squeeze them tight. Life’s too short for what if’s. I’m squeezing mine, these two little people around whom my entire world is centered.

If you're holding on to something simply for the sake of holding on to it, it might be time to let it go. Don't make my mistake and try to change what you have into what you need.

If that great guy comes again, I think maybe I’ll be ready to recognize him the second time around. Lesson learned.