If you listen hard enough, you can hear dust settling on this blog. I haven’t neglected it out of pure neglect. I’ve been unbelievably busy, even for me. But I owe you an update on how things are going and some truisms about where we are now.
This post is brought to you by Clarity, something I’ve only experienced in very small and rare doses over the years. But I’m in that spot now, so I’m gonna share. The point of this post is not an acute one, it’s sort of fluid, so bear with me…
There’s a song I love, I have it on my ipod and listen to it often. It’s a Switchfoot song, “This is Your Life.” The chorus always gets me, it goes something like…
“This is your life, are you who you want to be?”
It’s always brought me visions of my goals, of what I want my life to look like.
And then a funny thing happened the other day. I was in the car with the kids and that song came on the radio. When the chorus came, for the first time since I started listening to it, the answer I had in my head was, Yes, this is exactly who I want to be.
That’s a big deal. My life isn’t perfect. There are lots of issues and factors that haven’t worked themselves out. But I have a clear truth…I’m just exactly who I want to be right now.
There are things I’d love to change…I’d love to be thinner, richer, whatever…but the soul part of me, the heart of who I am, well…it’s just how it should be. I’m happy with who I am. Unbelievable. It seems so simple and yet I wanted to stop the car because it was such a huge realization. I’m totally and completely living comfortably in my own skin. When did that happen?
Lately I feel less overwhelmed and more just blessed. Let me tell you, I have amazing friends and family members. I have more than I deserve in the way of people who care about me. My girlfriends are the most diverse, rich in spirit, crazy crowd of women. I love them. They’re all different and I learn new things from all of them.
My family, my siblings in particular, are awesome. My older sister is one of the most amazing women I know. She has shown up, been there, guided, been the soft place I’ve landed, and in every way been my light in too many dark places. Someday the English language will add words that express the depth of my gratitude to her.
I have an amazing brother who embodies quiet strength and reminds me all the time what it is to have integrity. I have a younger sister I love more than life who reminds me what it is to live, to take chances, to make mistakes, and to remember love conquers all.
My parents, my dad and stepmom, in their infinite patience, have never tired of trying to help me and steer me in the right direction. While I know they can’t fully understand what my life is like, they haven’t stopped trying to. Our relationship deepens with years. I think my stepmom, who probably inherited more than she bargained for with us 20 years ago, is a woman I will still be able to garner wisdom from when I’m 80.
My dad has provided one of the most valuable gifts – a solid model for having a respected career and living a life of meaning and substance.
It's hard not to feel successful and happy when you have the kind of support I do from family and friends. And even though there are still aspects of our lives that are unsure right now, I’m so content with where things are. I have wonderful people in my life. I'm a good person. I’m proud of the parent I am right now. I’m proud of the work I’m doing.
This will be the most successful year in business I’ve ever had by leaps and bounds and I’ve earned it. I have great hopes for where I’m headed professionally.
Spiritually, I’ve gone through some changes. I’ve let go of some things. I’ve stopped pretending and started being honest with myself about where things are. I feel very true and very freed.
I just feel...well, good. I'll never have it all together and that's okay. Because this crazy life with all its ups and downs is just right for me. For every hard thing, I have greatness in abundance.
This has been a little north of “feel-good” as far as blog posts. Feel free to vomit now or brush your teeth for all the sweetness. Most of you know that sugary, my-life-is-so-blessed ramblings are SO not my style. But I had to share this because of the song. Because when This is Your Life, and it’s Who You Want To Be, it’s worth sayin’ so.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Inconvenient Mouths of Babes…
I’m convinced that the saying “Out of the mouths of babes…” is only truly amusing to childless people. For those of us who have frequently had to shush overly loud descriptions of bodily functions, embarrassing private information, and inquiries as to how the man in front of us in line became SO FAT...well, let’s just say it can be slightly less amusing.
With rare exception (the rare exception being a dinner party with people we don’t know very well), this usually happens in the middle of the supermarket. At about five o’clock. While trying to juggle 50 coupons. I always handle the situation in the same way – I shush the kids quickly, smile at the offended glances we get, and whisper loudly, “Hush now, or I’ll tell your mother you said that!”
I’m pretty sure no one buys it, but you never know. I’m still holding out hope that at least a few people on any given trip to the grocery store or bank will believe my rumpled jogging clothes are a result of actual jogging, so one could argue my efforts at face-saving deceptions are not always grounded in reality.
Last week, we had one of these moments. It didn’t happen at the supermarket, it happened at home. My face didn’t get any less red, though, when Julia complained to me, “Why don’t you take us to really fun places? Daddy always takes us to really fun places!”
I did manage to bite back the initial responses that sprang to my lips surprisingly fast. Those responses included:
• “Daddy can afford to take you fun places because he saves lots of money dodging child support,” and
• “Daddy gets to focus on only doing fun stuff because he doesn’t have to be a real parent.”
I repeat: I did not actually say these things. But you better believe I was thinking them. I did spend some time really considering what she said, though. Here are my conclusions...
First of all, we do go “fun places” on the weekend, but our fun outings are always interspersed with not-at-all-fun-but-necessary activities like laundry and room-cleaning. I realize there seems to be a distinction in her four-year-old mind, because Daddy’s weekends are spent doing only fun things. There are no chores and no household to-do lists to complete. Now, I can resent that a little (and believe me, I do) but it doesn’t change anything.
Second, there’s some truth to the simple fact that we don’t have the same discretionary budget as Daddy does. We have significantly more expenses, and the lion’s share of those expenses is a financial responsibility I carry alone. Is it fair? Nope. But wasting a lot of energy resenting it doesn’t change anything.
Finally, whether or not it’s fair for the kids to perceive things that way, I have to acknowledge the possibility that they occasionally do. We don’t have every-other-weekend visits here; we’re living life everyday, with the schedules and responsibilities that come with it. I wouldn’t, even for a moment, consider trading that to only see the kids for four days out of the month, no matter how many fun things we could do in those four days.
I never want to miss the forest for the trees: I’m trying to give my kids a great childhood – one filled with sweet memories of love, patience, and happiness. I want them to love God and treat others with kindness and respect. I’m trying to teach them responsibility. It’s a far less glamorous job than taking them exciting places but a significantly more important one. My son’s future wife probably won’t care if he’s good at putt-putt, but his ability to find the hamper with his own wet towels could be a marriage-saver someday.
I have so many great childhood memories of my own of simple times we spent as a family – books my parents read to me, playing in my backyard, visiting my cousins, and my mom teaching me how to cook. Those memories are irreplaceable. They don’t involve exciting adventures to theme parks because childhoods aren’t built on that; they’re built on everything that happens in between.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t sometimes indulge in a responsibility-free, super-fun (yet inexpensive) weekend. Will it take some expert juggling and schedule-adjusting? Absolutely. But it’s not impossible. It isn’t the main goal, though. The great myth that all you have to do to raise well-adjusted kids is have lots of fun has long since been debunked by large numbers of spoiled, angry teenagers and Lindsay Lohan.
It’s my privilege to be raising these kids, to be given the opportunity to help shape the character of the people they’ll become. When an uncomfortable truth comes out of the inconvenient mouths of babes, sometimes you have to be willing to confront it with humility and good humor. And in case that doesn’t work, I’ve been known to accept bottles of wine from sympathetic readers. ☺
With rare exception (the rare exception being a dinner party with people we don’t know very well), this usually happens in the middle of the supermarket. At about five o’clock. While trying to juggle 50 coupons. I always handle the situation in the same way – I shush the kids quickly, smile at the offended glances we get, and whisper loudly, “Hush now, or I’ll tell your mother you said that!”
I’m pretty sure no one buys it, but you never know. I’m still holding out hope that at least a few people on any given trip to the grocery store or bank will believe my rumpled jogging clothes are a result of actual jogging, so one could argue my efforts at face-saving deceptions are not always grounded in reality.
Last week, we had one of these moments. It didn’t happen at the supermarket, it happened at home. My face didn’t get any less red, though, when Julia complained to me, “Why don’t you take us to really fun places? Daddy always takes us to really fun places!”
I did manage to bite back the initial responses that sprang to my lips surprisingly fast. Those responses included:
• “Daddy can afford to take you fun places because he saves lots of money dodging child support,” and
• “Daddy gets to focus on only doing fun stuff because he doesn’t have to be a real parent.”
I repeat: I did not actually say these things. But you better believe I was thinking them. I did spend some time really considering what she said, though. Here are my conclusions...
First of all, we do go “fun places” on the weekend, but our fun outings are always interspersed with not-at-all-fun-but-necessary activities like laundry and room-cleaning. I realize there seems to be a distinction in her four-year-old mind, because Daddy’s weekends are spent doing only fun things. There are no chores and no household to-do lists to complete. Now, I can resent that a little (and believe me, I do) but it doesn’t change anything.
Second, there’s some truth to the simple fact that we don’t have the same discretionary budget as Daddy does. We have significantly more expenses, and the lion’s share of those expenses is a financial responsibility I carry alone. Is it fair? Nope. But wasting a lot of energy resenting it doesn’t change anything.
Finally, whether or not it’s fair for the kids to perceive things that way, I have to acknowledge the possibility that they occasionally do. We don’t have every-other-weekend visits here; we’re living life everyday, with the schedules and responsibilities that come with it. I wouldn’t, even for a moment, consider trading that to only see the kids for four days out of the month, no matter how many fun things we could do in those four days.
I never want to miss the forest for the trees: I’m trying to give my kids a great childhood – one filled with sweet memories of love, patience, and happiness. I want them to love God and treat others with kindness and respect. I’m trying to teach them responsibility. It’s a far less glamorous job than taking them exciting places but a significantly more important one. My son’s future wife probably won’t care if he’s good at putt-putt, but his ability to find the hamper with his own wet towels could be a marriage-saver someday.
I have so many great childhood memories of my own of simple times we spent as a family – books my parents read to me, playing in my backyard, visiting my cousins, and my mom teaching me how to cook. Those memories are irreplaceable. They don’t involve exciting adventures to theme parks because childhoods aren’t built on that; they’re built on everything that happens in between.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t sometimes indulge in a responsibility-free, super-fun (yet inexpensive) weekend. Will it take some expert juggling and schedule-adjusting? Absolutely. But it’s not impossible. It isn’t the main goal, though. The great myth that all you have to do to raise well-adjusted kids is have lots of fun has long since been debunked by large numbers of spoiled, angry teenagers and Lindsay Lohan.
It’s my privilege to be raising these kids, to be given the opportunity to help shape the character of the people they’ll become. When an uncomfortable truth comes out of the inconvenient mouths of babes, sometimes you have to be willing to confront it with humility and good humor. And in case that doesn’t work, I’ve been known to accept bottles of wine from sympathetic readers. ☺
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