Who You Want To Be

If you listen hard enough, you can hear dust settling on this blog. I haven’t neglected it out of pure neglect. I’ve been unbelievably busy, even for me. But I owe you an update on how things are going and some truisms about where we are now.

This post is brought to you by Clarity, something I’ve only experienced in very small and rare doses over the years. But I’m in that spot now, so I’m gonna share. The point of this post is not an acute one, it’s sort of fluid, so bear with me…

There’s a song I love, I have it on my ipod and listen to it often. It’s a Switchfoot song, “This is Your Life.” The chorus always gets me, it goes something like…

“This is your life, are you who you want to be?”

It’s always brought me visions of my goals, of what I want my life to look like.

And then a funny thing happened the other day. I was in the car with the kids and that song came on the radio. When the chorus came, for the first time since I started listening to it, the answer I had in my head was, Yes, this is exactly who I want to be.

That’s a big deal. My life isn’t perfect. There are lots of issues and factors that haven’t worked themselves out. But I have a clear truth…I’m just exactly who I want to be right now.

There are things I’d love to change…I’d love to be thinner, richer, whatever…but the soul part of me, the heart of who I am, well…it’s just how it should be. I’m happy with who I am. Unbelievable. It seems so simple and yet I wanted to stop the car because it was such a huge realization. I’m totally and completely living comfortably in my own skin. When did that happen?

Lately I feel less overwhelmed and more just blessed. Let me tell you, I have amazing friends and family members. I have more than I deserve in the way of people who care about me. My girlfriends are the most diverse, rich in spirit, crazy crowd of women. I love them. They’re all different and I learn new things from all of them.

My family, my siblings in particular, are awesome. My older sister is one of the most amazing women I know. She has shown up, been there, guided, been the soft place I’ve landed, and in every way been my light in too many dark places. Someday the English language will add words that express the depth of my gratitude to her.

I have an amazing brother who embodies quiet strength and reminds me all the time what it is to have integrity. I have a younger sister I love more than life who reminds me what it is to live, to take chances, to make mistakes, and to remember love conquers all.

My parents, my dad and stepmom, in their infinite patience, have never tired of trying to help me and steer me in the right direction. While I know they can’t fully understand what my life is like, they haven’t stopped trying to. Our relationship deepens with years. I think my stepmom, who probably inherited more than she bargained for with us 20 years ago, is a woman I will still be able to garner wisdom from when I’m 80.

My dad has provided one of the most valuable gifts – a solid model for having a respected career and living a life of meaning and substance.

It's hard not to feel successful and happy when you have the kind of support I do from family and friends. And even though there are still aspects of our lives that are unsure right now, I’m so content with where things are. I have wonderful people in my life. I'm a good person. I’m proud of the parent I am right now. I’m proud of the work I’m doing.

This will be the most successful year in business I’ve ever had by leaps and bounds and I’ve earned it. I have great hopes for where I’m headed professionally.

Spiritually, I’ve gone through some changes. I’ve let go of some things. I’ve stopped pretending and started being honest with myself about where things are. I feel very true and very freed.

I just feel...well, good. I'll never have it all together and that's okay. Because this crazy life with all its ups and downs is just right for me. For every hard thing, I have greatness in abundance.

This has been a little north of “feel-good” as far as blog posts. Feel free to vomit now or brush your teeth for all the sweetness. Most of you know that sugary, my-life-is-so-blessed ramblings are SO not my style. But I had to share this because of the song. Because when This is Your Life, and it’s Who You Want To Be, it’s worth sayin’ so.